Grandma Version
I help companies buy other companies without breaking all the computers.
Choose your difficulty level
Same job. Different audiences.
Some people want the grandma answer. Some people want the enterprise architecture answer. Some people accidentally ask for the chaos answer and immediately regret it.
Normal Human Version
When companies merge, their apps, logins, data, and systems need to become one ecosystem.
Executive Version
I reduce integration risk, accelerate transition planning, and help standardize platforms after acquisitions.
IT Version
I lead solution architecture across M&A apps: discovery, rationalization, target-state design, migration, and handoff.
Chaos Version
The server is under a desk, nobody owns the app, the docs are gone, and someone just found another ERP.
What this actually means
I help large companies figure out what technology they bought, what should happen to it, and how to move forward without panic clicking through production.
The useful business stuff
20+
years in IT, databases, architecture, platforms, and enterprise chaos
350+
acquired applications in the M&A integration orbit
∞
meetings where someone says “we just found another app”
1
mission: turn the mess into a plan people can actually execute
Incoming acquisition detected
Common field conditions.
Every acquisition has surprises. Some are normal. Some are named Production_Final_FINAL_v2_REAL.xlsx.
“Nobody knows who owns this app.”
“The vendor no longer exists.”
“The admin left eight years ago.”
“The database is ancient but emotionally important.”
“Production runs from Excel.”
“We found another ERP.”
“The server name is a tribute to someone’s dog.”
“The test environment is production wearing a fake mustache.”
“The app has no users but is somehow business critical.”
Live chaos feed
“The server is under a desk.”
The actual protocol
How the mess becomes a plan.
Under the jokes is a pretty real workflow: discover the thing, understand the thing, decide the fate of the thing, then move the thing without causing a corporate jump scare.
Discover
Find apps, owners, vendors, contracts, databases, integrations, users, risk, and the one guy who knows the batch job.
Classify
Keep, migrate, integrate, archive, replace, retire, or place gently into the museum of enterprise decisions.
Design
Build target-state architecture, identity patterns, data flow, security approach, migration path, and support model.
Move
Coordinate teams, unblock weirdness, document everything, and hand it over like a responsible adult.
Artifacts generated under pressure
Receipts from the chaos factory.
The work product is not just “meetings happened.” The work product is a pile of things that help teams actually move.
App Maps
What exists, who uses it, where it lives, what it connects to, and why everyone is nervous.
Decision Matrices
Because “vibes-based migration strategy” is funny until finance asks for a number.
Target Architectures
Cloud, data, identity, integrations, support model, and all the boxes with arrows everyone pretends to understand.
Risk Registers
A formal way to say “this could become spicy if ignored.”
Proofs of Concept
Small controlled experiments so nobody migrates a dragon into production by accident.
Documentation
Future-you deserves mercy. Future-ops deserves a fighting chance.
Fire or cheeks
Enterprise edition.
A scientific and legally questionable framework for evaluating technology decisions found in the wild.
🔥 FIRE
- ✅Clear ownership. A real person. With a name. Incredible.
- ✅Documented dependencies. Arrows that mean something.
- ✅Supported platform. Not hosted on a server named after a fish.
- ✅Migration path. A plan. Dates. Risks. Humans assigned.
🍑 CHEEKS
- ❌“Ask Steve.” Steve is gone. Steve is in the mountains. Steve blocked your number.
- ❌No test environment. Production is the test environment. Pain.
- ❌Shared admin account. Named admin. Password: please no.
- ❌Business critical mystery app. Zero users. Infinite fear.
Character development
The lore.
A wildly simplified timeline from database goblin to enterprise architecture chaos translator.
2001
“Databases seem neat.” Famous last words.
2012
Database administration, reporting, high availability, disaster recovery, and the sacred art of keeping systems alive.
2015
Enterprise database work gets serious. SQL Server, Oracle, performance tuning, automation, and documentation nobody reads until there is a fire.
2023
Enterprise architecture enters the chat. Systems, standards, platforms, and the realization that everything connects to everything.
2025
M&A applications chaos mode unlocked. Hundreds of apps. Endless dependencies. Many brave spreadsheets.
NOW
Leader of the M&A chaos. Official title: much less interesting.
Things I have probably said in real meetings
“Who owns this app?”
Translation
This is the part where a simple question becomes a discovery workstream.
Architectural Mood
Calm face. Many tabs open. Slowly building a diagram nobody asked for but everyone needs.
Risk Level
Depends entirely on whether the answer starts with “I think…”
Frequently asked questions
Things people ask after hearing “I’m in IT.”
Can you fix my printer?
No. Also, spiritually, maybe nobody can.
Can you explain your job in one sentence?
I help companies merge technology environments without accidentally turning the acquisition into a documentary.
Are you a developer?
Sometimes. But mostly I am the person asking why this app exists, who owns it, what it connects to, and why the password is in a spreadsheet.
What do you actually build?
Architecture plans, migration strategies, small websites, automation scripts, diagrams, operating models, and occasionally unnecessary emoji confetti.
What is the vibe?
Serious outcomes. Unserious packaging. Maximum documentation. Minimum panic. More confetti than legally necessary.
What happens when someone says “quick question”?
A new workstream is born, three systems are discovered, and someone says the word “temporary” in a way that means “forever.”
In short
I translate chaos into a plan.
Apps, data, cloud, architecture, acquisitions, old systems, weird websites, and mystery platforms. If the question is “who owns this thing and what are we doing with it?” — thejoestory probably has a whiteboard open.
THE EXPANSION PACK
Additional side quests.
Turns out enterprise architecture isn't enough. I spend the rest of my time building things, teaching, writing, running, creating websites, helping people solve problems, and occasionally launching completely unnecessary projects just because they sounded fun.
Run Bro
Most of my best ideas happen somewhere between mile 3 and mile 8. I run year-round, chase stupid goals, sign up for questionable adventures, and somehow keep coming back for more.
Daisy Run Club
Possibly the most prestigious running club in existence. Walmart may be involved.
Scripture Study Stuff
Deep scripture, clean structure, honest questions, and just enough Gen Alpha seasoning.
Weird Websites
Small apps, static pages, FastAPI experiments, and problems that barely needed solving.
Free The Fizzys
A hydration advocacy movement with questionable governance and elite branding.
Helping People Fix Stuff
Big systems. Small websites. Databases. Cloud platforms. Random technical headaches. I genuinely enjoy helping people solve problems and making technology a little less frustrating.
